The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Basically.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My dating profile:
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down