Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I can also cook 😂

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .