Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”