the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet