When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Where’s my employee discount too?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Jurassic park gets weird
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.