the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
🤣😂🤣😂
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.