Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.