The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Me when my alarm goes off
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.