Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.