The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
You Might Also Like
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Somebody’s lying.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.