@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

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@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@stevevsninjas

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

@ksecaw

Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

@Snarfernini

He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad

@gfoster18

Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman

@notalogin

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@BoogTweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.