@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

You Might Also Like

@blade_funner

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

@One_FineMess

Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

@Phook75

I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@_BryanZ_

I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.