The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.


Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…


I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back


I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.


Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.


Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.