@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

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@GroovyTasia

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

@DaddyJew

Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing’s happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@Chumpstring

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

@thatUPSdude

“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.

@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?