The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.