Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.