Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.