The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”