the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social