the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
love it when they get my name right
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.