the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.