The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.