The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
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HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.