Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Am I having a stroke?

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here