The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
do what now??
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?