The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
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It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting