The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day