Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”