The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
