“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
You Might Also Like
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone