“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Discuss
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser