“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.