“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces