The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
i hate you platonically
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use