The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
pat pat
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened