The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
You Might Also Like
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I can’t stop laughing at this
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.