The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!