Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

technically true but not a great slogan

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?