@omgthatspunny

the english language

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@ch000ch

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

@krisv_723

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

@liv_thatsme

“THE CROPS ARE DYING!”

“NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!”

me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)

@pharmasean

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.