The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
secret recipe
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.