The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?