Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Me as a therapist: omg same

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized