“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You wish you had this many chins.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE