“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Important
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
no regrets
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
