“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
sleeping beauty
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.