The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
You Might Also Like
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
How it started: How it’s going:
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.