The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
You Might Also Like
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
LMFAOOOO
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?