The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The first one, obviously
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
This classic never gets old . . .
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.