Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Ugh

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.