the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Smallpox sounds so adorable
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My recliner and I go way back