the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.