the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate