The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.