The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
🙀🙀🙀😹
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.