The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”