The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.