Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me