The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?