The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.