Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.