The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
💀😭
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*