The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
You wish you had this many chins.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*