the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
meow
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol