the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.