the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
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carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
this has done me in for some reason
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids