Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

ㅤ

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.