Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, why not

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

I support this random dude and all his protests

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.