The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger