The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I’M CRYINGGG
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Duolingo getting serious.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Hang in there buddy
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn