The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Taliband
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
