Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Mornin. * use accordingly

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again