The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Animal poetry
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying