The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks