Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

these can’t be my only options

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.