Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

😾

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

middle school in the ’90s

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine