Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.