Monica just destroyed the internet
You Might Also Like
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
it must be school picture day
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*